Are You Ready For a Good and Graceful Fight? Im All In

Grace and Change, and Not Acting Out

In the spirit of gratitude and the settling in of the season of Christmas, Hanukkah and Solstice, Im writing to you all to both buoy your spirits and lift up my own. This year the calander brings both the first night of Hanukkah and Christmas day together the same week of Solstice and I want that to mean something more than a shift in the seasonal manner in which the moon cycles occur. I want to believe we have been dragged to a really weird place in order to help heal some serious problems. Im choosing this stance because I am a Terminal Optimist but also Im looking for reasons to love and connect pretty desperately this year. Im searching everywhere, and refusing to back down, even as I frequently whack down my chirpy, very reactive brain when it says things like "Chaos! Confusion! End of Days!"

Im filled with hope remembering the truth that humans are really flexible and adaptable (when we allow ourselves to be) and in every past generation our ancestors faced great material and cultural difficulties that we can't really imagine. Every single generation until ours have struggled, progressed, regressed and created new truths out of passing ones. We are in the middle of this big old churning mess right now and it feels brand new, but its really not. Ive been protesting the same shit since 1981.

As stressful as this present day may seem, I would choose this day to live over any other time, however glorified in retrospect people may want to view the past. True, many things were simpler, things moved more slowly and communities were more deeply connected, sometimes, and in some places and yet, life expectancy was lower, people died of simple infections we can cure with telehealth now, oppression went unchallenged for the most part...it was also legal to fully discriminate against brown and black humans and to refuse healthcare to a relatively large group of people, like women and the poor (I saw this first hand during the AIDS crisis) It was considered simply OK to allow Black citizens, Gay and lesbian humans to live separately and not equally, women had few or no property rights, poor men of all colors had few options to rise up. It really wasn't great 'back in the day.'

And yet this current 'retro' culture shock mode we discover ourselves in suggests that for real and lasting change to anchor in and remain solid we must show compassion to others who are frightened of progress, because their fear of the unfamiliar is as human as the desire for equality and the push towards the inevitable arch of justice. The fear and real struggles of those who seem to have voted against their own best interests was all but unacknowledged by the left and in my opinion in part led to a really unfortunate over correction. We fear what we are not familiar with, we pretend we don’t sometimes, but we all do a little. Both sides. Some lefties I love fear anyone who is not in lock step to all their current beliefs. They obnoxiously correct the free speech of others before asking any questions at all. Well thats just silly, isn’t it? Aren’t we all evolving? The mass regression can and needs to be challenged and changed but only with a Grace filled dose of compassion can we achieve the ideals of our Constitution.

I took care of an elderly relative over the last year, someone who helped my sister and I in a dark and terrible time in our early childhood and acted quite unselfishly in making sure we were safe and cared for. This person may have saved our lives at times, that's how important they were to me...And yet, as I shuffled this same elder to Drs appointments, surgeries, hospitals etc., they slowly and then bluntly revealed a deep racism and hatred of immigrants several times asking for "European" caregivers in the hospital after a life saving surgery. I kid you not.

After my initial internal shock waves and much hefty self-righteous indignation I was able to partner with a miracle working head nurse who brilliantly dealt with this situation. I found her at the nursing staion and admitted my loved one was being rude to every brown or black nurse or aide. She seemed unfazed, and in a lovely Scottish brougue said to me “Oh yes, many of the older white ones get this way. Lets see if we can shake this up!” This brilliant Nurse taught me very quickly (as she was typing into a chart no less) the gist of this shocking and embarressing truth: My loved ones terror about dying and being completely physically dependent brought out the absolute worse in them. She came into the hospital room, shared her personal cell phone number on a business card and said “My nurses and aides are like a family here, If any of them mistreat you in any way you call me right up! Ill take care of them right away!” I wanted to kiss her. She was obviously a master of such nonsense. My elder gave me immediate stink eye, but the lesson was clear, no one was going to put up with non sense, but her safety and care were number one. Brilliant!

I was praying ferociously to God, my ancestors and asking for advice from anyone I could about being stuck in the middle of caregiving for a person I both loved and had fantasies of smacking on a daily basis. And then, I started to feel less stress and starting laughing more at the entire situation. It was deeply ironic, silly and wasn’t going away. I had to learn to be masterful like the head nurse.

As this person recovered at our home, ranting daily about invisible immmigrant threats I finally could not say "Remember we agreed to not talk about this" in a mantra-like fashion any longer. I made one more silient prayer, took a deep breath and said, “You do know that when you say these things all I can think about is that your beloved mother was undocumented and died never having become a US citizen, because it is my understanding that she was terrified of the consequences. She was deeply ashamed and she shouldn't have been. She left a failing nation after the Great War and the US should have let her in as a war refugee. Where would we all be if she had stayed in Europe and been killed?"

This utterance was pure Grace and not my own my conscious reponse as what I wanted to say was "You need to Shut the F up and be grateful that I am a saint." God really can be such a show off sometimes when I ask for help.

First this person said "Well that was different" and again, in a Grace not my own I said "No, she came as an unwelcomed refugee. Its the same as many if not most people coming from South America now. Im not saying all should enter now, but we need to be compassionate. I won’t hear this again, I won’t listen to it further" I started to clear the table, in tears.

In a very long five minute pause this person looked at me and said, "I will remember what you said and pray on this." What? Seriously? Was this even possible? A Fox News addicted elder had shifted just a tiny, Grinch hearted bit. AND they never said another cray cray thing to me about this particular topic again. (although Im sure they harbor much of the same fear and thus ignorance)

I have witnessed so much judgement and hate even from those who espouse progessive values that Im seriously asking for daily Grace. Looking for the connections between humans that I may strongly disagree with, I can see them. Seeking understanding I see frightened and overwhelmed humans who need some compassion, not shaming, in order to open their minds. I too have needed compassion and understanding, I too am harshly judged by others, and I have harshly judged others. Though it will never "be fair," Im trying my best to not fling back defensiveness and the "right" answers. It’s really hard, and yet, Im feeling my heart chakra open each time I choose to stay firm, calm and open. I can disagree without anger or hate. Its possible.

Truthfully we humans have always trended toward the greedy and the petty and the "My team is better than yours and therefore I can mistreat you" vibe. If we are more than a few decades old (Im in my 7th decade) we have done hard and even grueling things and we will be asked either now or in the future to do more caring, greater heavy lifting, buoying of others, and we may feel we can't bear it, or that we shouldn't have to be fighting these same fights, and yet, do we really have a choice? I think we can all be better for choosing the compassionate, one on one conversion of ideas. So in case you are wondering my stance I am firmly within the Resistance, and I still hope love will heal, and I know healing will not come through Memes, X Facebook or The Government or force of any kind. Its not happening any other way but one on one.

Tell me please if you have wittnessed or experienced such a moment of Grace. I want to keep track and feel joy in these small and great things.