A Psychedelic Experience at the Oral Surgeons'

An unexpected healing

I won’t bore you all with the details of my very expensive and painful first visit to an oral surgeon. What I first thought was a one tooth problem bloomed into an intimate acquaintance with a loquacious and kind oral surgeon and the revelation that my 40 year old dental work was caput. Some of you ‘older timers’ will nod in recognition I am sure. What happened to me under the influence of nitrous oxide was so cool it was (almost) worth the entire experience.

Quick backstory, I have been a grateful recovering alcoholic since 1985 and despite the building data and anecdotal stories of various psychedelics being profoundly helpful to many healing from trauma and depression I have cautiously stuck to a more standard route of care. As someone who has lived with recurring episodes of depression since childhood I have been open to all forms of healing, but scared psychedelics would cause harm, mental break down or kick my addicted brain into high drug seeking mode.

I admit to being a full coward as I waited for my procedure. I was praying and using mindfulness techniques in an attempt to stay calm and holding back tears and then a magical canula was placed over my nose. Slowly my fear floated up into a stillness of self-acceptance, the inside of my eyelids had a shimmer and I decided to completely let go to the warmth I felt. It was so odd, having been sober for so long and feeling a distorted sense of time and self, but my subconscious mind took the wheel as soon as I surrendered.

A person I had loved and lost immediately came to my mind and I saw her. I said.

“I loved you, I love you and I always will love you.” It felt I was able to release so much pain in an instant. All the words I wish we both were able to share with each other didn’t need to be spoken somehow.

I was fully immersed in the experience and yet my grain knew this was very familiar. I thought “My brain churned out an personalized interpretation of the Hawaiian sacred Ho’Oponopono prayer” Which is:

I love you,

I am sorry,

Please forgive me,

Thank you.

I remembered saying this prayer many times in hopes of feeling relief from old wounds. Still in the disolved ego state my heart knew this was important. I knew more healing was to come.

My mother came to me next, she passed away 4 years ago and I have deep in a complicated grieving process. I saw her, and felt tremedous compassion.

“I always loved you, I love you, I always will love you.” I have wanted another chance to be tender to her and say I love you. Felt the aching guilt that weaves itself into grief. It was released. I felt she heard me.

And then someone I am partially estranged from appeared, “I always loved you, I love you, I will always love you.” This one was loving but I still felt yearning to be closer to them. And it was still OK.

Peace settled in as I heard the Dr. and nurse chatting and felt the pressure of teeth leaving my jaw. I drifted back into remembering where I was and what was happening. It was all ok, there was nothing to fear.

I knew that love was still real even when circumstances change, even when those circumstances are separation by death.

Like all mystic experiences, (drug induced or not) this passed quickly and faded into the collective unconscious or where ever these whisps of Spirit reside. It was the perfect time for it to disappear just as it was the perfect message to experience.

Pain came later, when paying the bill and after a few hours of novacaine induced denial faded. My chattering mind returned to its normal default, maybe with a little less negativity bias. I’m left with dull aching and lingering gratitude.

Faith for me, is about wanting to believe there is a greater dimension, an unknowable place where every conflict and judgement, fear and holding back of this human to human experience is dissolved into love. When I can feel faith I feel this is real, when I feel more Spiritually lost I believe I have to earn love somehow, I believe I have to struggle to make things OK. My love and forgiveness for myself has grown a little and my fear of oral surgery is gone.

Photo by Liana S on Unsplash